Have you ever gotten close to feeling socially 'normal' (and I use the word 'normal' loosely), and then after another period of solitude, your normalcy fades away like the fog, as if it never even existed?

I'm like that. I'm up and down with being social and feeling comfortable socializing, and then I'm back to being completely introverted and not wanting to speak to anybody for days or even weeks at a time. These strange social mood swings are sometimes confusing to people I work with and even to myself sometimes.

It is comfortable for me to be in complete solitude, away from the sounds of groups of people socializing. I try to mingle and socialize as much as I can tolerate at work, but it drains me completely. I just want to stop and not talk to anybody sometimes. So, I'll go out to lunch on my own and just enjoy the long hour of peaceful solitude.

I am naturally an introvert. I don't derive energy from talking to people. It does the opposite; it drains me.

This is my first blog entry...yay! The purpose of writing in my blog is to partly encourage myself and others, and also to put things into perspective. I will allow myself some venting entries, but I also don't want to vent too much without thinking of solutions. I easily get caught up with venting. I have to watch myself, because I get discouraged if I continue to look at the negatives. Usually, there's always a way to deal with things in a way that's not maladaptive. There are solutions out there that won't perpetuate social anxiety, or won't victimize me. I am tired of playing the victim role.

When I reflect on my past behaviour this year at work, all those absences and anxiety attacks, I realize that I was a complete MESS. I tried to get through the anxiety attacks at work by avoiding my coworkers. It helped so much. I didn't have to deal with their different personalities. I just wanted to get away from the workplace social scene, find a nice quiet place to rest, and just re-energize so that I can function at work.

The thing is, when does avoidance become addictive? I think I've developed this perpetual habit of avoiding people that I feel uncomfortable talking to. I just get so tired of the mental blockage during small talk. When I simply can't think of what to say next, avoidance almost becomes necessary. I've never really tried pushing myself through the entire embarrassing social ordeal. I've more often than not chosen the cowardly way of dealing with it.

But avoidance often breeds MORE discomfort. It does not help a person in the long-run. Intellectually, I know this. But my body often responds to a 'flight-like' approach when I'm dealing with high social anxiety issues.

So....what I am doing right now is trying to alter my behaviour. At work, I am currently in charge of the entire hospital, except for a few wards that another worker is covering. I've decided to relocate to a different ward, wherein I will be working with a person that I feel extremely uncomfortable around. He can be a quiet person as well, and I noticed that he's a little selective with who he talks to in general. I suppose I see a lot of myself in him. I don't really talk too much to this person at lunch or during breaks, but he has tried to approach me on a few occasions, just to say 'hello' as a kind gesture. I do remember those times, and I try not to paint a negative picture about him, in all fairness. I don't want to cave into these weird paranoid thoughts, especially when I have to start working with him very soon.

Anyhow, back to my plan. I am intentionally going to try developing a rapport with this person. I certainly don't know how to attack this, but I guess the simple gesture of saying "hello" to this person in the morning, will be a good start. Isn't it amateurish? I mean, here I am trying to figure out the best way to socialize, and I get stumped at the basics... It's both hilarious and disturbing. Oh well. At least I am trying. And I am going to put forth my best effort.

I contacted two people downstate, that still help with the club I used to belong to. Larry filled me in on many of the originals, he would say “So and so is still around, but not here” but one of my favorites, Bob, a man that I liked, he said “He’s gone” I wrote back, what do you mean gone… He’s one of a kind. He was married when I knew him, off limits but I always said if he and his wife broke up, I would move in, and I typically don’t think like this.

I love revelations. Have you ever been concerned about a person, the control they have over your life, or the control you let them have over your life, they think they’re so superior, will call out any flaw you have to state their personal believes.
Once in a while, I’ll read what my child’s father has written, yes, I file it away in my mind, I like to keep a step ahead.

I read something tonight, everything came together, I went, poof….What an ass. I don’t what your personal preference is, how you will vote. In one post he wrote why is race in this I don’t see color……In another post they were discussing this white stuff you put on your face while shooting (I don’t know…..) he said “Maybe we should send Obama a tube.” At that moment, I had no fear of him, I don’t care what threats he makes again, I don’t’ care how superior he thinks he is……He’s nothing. If I ever had to go to court, sure I would be upset, scared, yet as long as I keep my mouth shut…..I have a tendency to shut down, and what I’m thinking comes out of my mouth, can one say fine;-) contempt of court sounds trashy.

I need more of the positives. Yet, I saw, for the first time I was LETTING this man have control over me, he’s a *****. The statement he made makes a certain type of person sound ignorant as the press would like to portray sportsmen.

Seeing as this is my first blog entry, I'll introduce myself a bit.
Name- You can call me Kay
Age- 17
Interests- Art, Animals, Kids, Movies, Reading, Baking

I live in Beautiful Canada. I love it, but I would love to be living somewhere in the UK. I love spending time with my family. I feel like I'm my favourite person. I know myself better than anyone and I like the way I treat myself, as weird as that sounds.

On to the blog!

Yet again I have been forgotten. Actually, it doesn't really effect me anymore! I've actually had a guy who I've known for 3 years (some of the same classes) ask me what my name was because he thought I was someone else. It's sad when your peers don't even know your name. I guess I don't blame him though. I'm not really fond of him and don't talk to him if I don't have to.

But, a good sign...I was at my little cousin's church as her confirmation sponsor. I was sitting next to another sponsor, who looked maybe a bit older than me. He was adorable. All nicely dressed for church (I'm a sucker for guys in dress clothes...) in a crisp white shirt, black tie, black pinstriped pants, shiny black shoes and a long grey business-looking coat. He knew every hymn and prayer and was singing loud enough for me to understand the whole time. In other words, he was the type of guy I would never have the courage to talk to. But, about halfway through church he said something to me. I wont say what it was because you wouldn't understand what it was unless you were there. But, it was a comment where normally I would just come up with a quick answer, but instead I replyed properly, didn't get nervous, didn't blush and felt completely comfortable. Unfortunately I didn't use the oppportunity to talk to him anymore. Now I'll probably never see him again. Ah well, I know for next time! I did catch him looking at me a few times after mass though :P

Ever since I was first diagnosed with general anxiety and social phobia I have been to four seperate therapists. I suppose this is common;finding the therapist that does the best for your situation is important to getting the help you need. Sadly only one of the therapists has worked out well so far,and since his practice is a couple hours away from us he's far from local.
None of the locally based therapists I've dealt with seem to work out well. They all seem to be disorganized and actually cause more emotional turmoil for me then they prevent. Same can be said of the therapist I am seeing now. He only comes to the town I live in once a week (he usually operates in another area) and acts as if the commute and his lack of a receptionist here is putting him out. As a result he seems to have a get-em-in-get-em-out additude regarding the therapy.
Even more frusterating is the fact that my mother seems to feel it's HER duty for the therapist to be suitable to her,regardless of what I think of this man. After all because of my condition she does handle the scedualing issues. But the result is that the therapists generally have to pass muster with HER before it's determined weather they work for me. She would never stop me from going to any of them of course,but I feel as if my therapy is being manipulated.
Also as indicated in my previous blog it's hard to for me to be able to tell the truth in therapy. My father does not want to have any responsibility in how his personality has adversely affected me and my mother protects him. So often therapy sessions that do include my mother (my father very very rarely attends my therapy sessions) often end up in an argument with her over our relationship.
So you can see how important choosing the right kind of therapist is to me. Since I have spent a lifetime being "at fault" for everything that goes on in my life that isn't good I need to be able to be honest and straightforward with any therapist,without feeling like my very presense is just too much trouble for them.

I am facing a situation right now and honestly it is starting to greatly interfere with my ability to deal with the general anxiety and social phobia I have been dealing with all my life. I returned home as an adult after a failed attempt to be on his own to seek an official diagnosis so he can begin treatment.
But once there my emmediately begin pigeon holing me;after the diagnosis every single little step the I took became related to "social anxiety" in some way. I am unable to work or be in large groups;I don't have many friends and have to deal with the family a lot.And what they are doing is not helpful in my recovery.They even go as far as trying to get my therapist to see only THEIR side of the story.
My father has always had a bad relationship with the me.I love him very much and want to be able to have that positive relationship with him,but he doesn’t listen to what I have to say to him and never wants to be responsible for his own actions. Not only that but he likes to control what I say as well,to the point of micromanaging the same situation with my mother This has resulted in me having a dysfunctional personality OUTSIDE the social anxiety but my father will not accept that and wants to make it all my problem.
My mother meanwhile is crestfallen, desperate.She wants to help the me but really doesn’t know what to do. She also has a very difficult time accepting that the father may be a part of the problem because of his poor listening skills. In the end,while attempting to keep up with therapy and move forward in life I'm constantly haunted with the dysfunctional relationship with my father;it has become part of me and I noticed after a time I was beginning to develope personality traits similar to my father.
Still all my family sees, or chooses to see in me as nothing more then "social anxiety";I AM is the entire problem or rather my"disorder" and nothing they’ve done has had a negative impact. I have to stay with the parents and wants to because I loves them, need and want their help and support. But it’s hard for the parents because while I'm forced to have to come to an awakening about my problems the parents, especially the father refuse to admit they are anything but blameless, pure victims.
This is one of my main goals I have come to a realization about in therapy;that a lot of my issues have been compounded by my fathers stubborn refusal to work as hard as I to help improve the relationship. It's lead to a lot of fights between us and impeded my ability to get the therapy I need for myself. I often find myself wondering if there's anybody out their who can relate to the same things I am going through.

So, now I recognize that letting go of desire to be happy seems to be the key to releasing my mind from my own self-inhibitions and restrictions. I just need to let go of the need for security, the need for pleasing others and hoping they laugh at my jokes or share my concerns, or contribute to my insights. I'm expecting too much, and trying to engineer myself to perfection, when I am perfect already. When I do not try, when I am unaffected by the outside world, then my personality is pure and free - this is the state I must achieve; not just for social anxiety, but for the whole human condition.

But I wondered today, is that possible based on the path I'm travelling? I am following Eckhart Tolle's advice as if I were a cult member, I do not understand what is going on or what I am doing, and frequently I feel that I am doing his exercises wrongly. He himself stated in an interview that the exercises alone can not free anyone unless they understand the purpose. But I do not understand the purpose.

I do remember writing to (who I believe to be) a great philosopher, living in the United States, Pennsylvania. He responded by telling me (just a part of the message, but important):

"Now for you, the path of freedom from the known or in order to stop change, you cannot stop change because I told you too because that is replacing one teacher/ illusion with another. The only way to do this is to keep on seeking wisdom and listen more attentively, and put the puzzles together once you do that you will never want to start the puzzle all over again, that is where totally radical change takes place. But it is very hard for one to come to this truth, when one values his guru or teacher highly."

So I need to investigate the world it seems, and try to understand myself at the basic level. I will probably need to read some of the Eastern texts in order to learn more about this. Another forum member from the Eckhart Tolle site suggested that I try to identify what consciousness is, to sit peacefully and seek the source.

Seeing as how reading these Eastern texts and asking the fundamental questions about life would take a great deal of time, I will attempt the latter method first. I just need to find a quiet space to engage in this sort of search. Hmm..perhaps after Friday's exam, I will stop by the library, and try to discover who I really am.

Fascinating times...who knew socially anxiety could lead me on this quest to end human suffering and find my true reality beyond form? Anyways, back to studying :).

This will be my new blog, after trying to start others on general websites, I decided to set one up in a more obscure, small place, where I could store my thoughts and come back periodically if I ever came up with new ideas. This will be a storage space for my stream of consciousness, and my explorations into the more unknown world of spirituality and metaphysics, all combined with my day to day experiences.

This may not make a lot of sense to those who just come to view my thoughts now and then; I have been thinking for 8 years on my problems, and have attempted nearly every solution imaginable except for drugs. Pure WILLPOWER! Just be courageous, I would think to myself over and over...fighting makes it worse. But not trying makes it easy. It's so entertaining to me, that Homer's lesson to Bart (Simpsons) "never try" has a lot of truth in it. But its a special type of trying; I noticed that when I let go, when I stop caring, then I find I say things everyone loves. I am myself. And then I realize...my god, what has happened? And then I revert to my "old" anxious self, and lock up, thinking I have to be a certain way again, that I found the "me" and I have to hold on to it. But it was the letting go that allowed me to find myself. And now I see this truth reflected in spiritual teachings around me. Eckhart Tolle speaks of letting go, of not resisting, but accepting the now no matter what it is. He speaks of actually discovering an inner me/you that few people are aware of - one that is free of the mind.

Perhaps this is the next stage of my evolution. I will need to focus on being normal. But that is contradictory. No, I must try to let go. But will my subconscious remember my goal, thus sabotaging me? I know deep down, I am letting go in order to be myself, so a "forcing current" exists. No, I have to let go of the very desire itself, to be praised, to be happy and have friends, the very idea that I need to be special, different, liked. Because this is the source of my anxiety, and as long as I hold onto these delusions I can't be free from them or my mind.

Because I have written 50 pages on Microsoft Word. All of them, my past - when I would try to artificially alter my mind's structure, push some endorphins into the frontal lobe, try to think with a special cortex in my brain, inflict pain on myself to escape certain moods, meditate and forget the fear. Try to be like others, observe their movements, their actions, what they say. How are they natural? Do they TRY to be natural? Nonsense...so what do they do, and how can I be the same? That is it right there, I am trying to be the same. I need to stop trying.

For those reading, I can possibly predict your future. If you are as tenacious as I was, you will nearly drive yourself insane trying to solve this problem of anxiety, trying to understand madness. Then you might fall in love, and try to solve your problem with even greater haste in order to be with her. And then she changes and insults you due to your artificial alterations of your mind, your mistakes. And then your mind will stop because it is overloaded, you will dissociate, and then you will stop caring. At this point, you will experience bliss, because this is the state of enlightenment, and the whole world is headed in this direction.

I guess I could be considered a functional social anxiety sufferer. I am not as bad as some people on this forum. I have a few friends, I leave the house and can talk on the phone. I work in radio "on air". How I got to this point it is somewhat amazing considering that I am an SA sufferer. I will go out of my way to avoid any uncomfortable situation. I have a terrible fear of authority figures. I cannot perform a new task in front of others. I'm always worried that I will be judged incompetant, or stupid, or weird. I am always trying to read what others are thinking about me. I am afraid of confrontation. And I avoid hanging out with groups of people because it seems my indiviuduality vanishes as I cease being Lincolnradiocat and my will seems to be sucked into the collective group.

I also walk around with a sense of inferiority towards others. It seems that everybody is smarter, better looking and more talented than me...especially co-workers in radio.

However, I think that I'm on the right path to whipping this demon. The path is long, it's tedious and has required a great deal of patience and endurance. I always think I am beaten down...but every once and a while I have to remind myself of my success, like getting an "A" in public speaking my first semester in college to getting a full-time gig in radio. I would not have got this far if I hadn't won some battles.

This blog will essentially chronicle my battle with SA, and well as other thoughts I have life.

I had to leave my environment two times last week, each time it involved me working with people a meeting or something. It changed my entire week. I felt so much better.

Having human contact no matter how minimal, a simple meeting can make me feel better, that's sad!

I've been watching the news more, lay in bed, listen to anchors, people being interviewed, it still amazes me how people view anyone with any type of mental illness. It's sad. So many people don't understand if you decide not to take drugs, does this make you any less depressed, does that make someone superior to those that take this direction, hell no.
I'm tired of hearing "They are bipolar, had issues with depression" so what, so has most of the world, anxiety, panic attacks, hello aren't they all the rage these days, where does one out way the other.

Then we have postpartum depression, the media screwed that one up, the woman that killed her children, she had postpartum depression yet, it was postpartum psychosis that causes one to react in such a matter (If it's not faked, I add that because I'm well aware some people just don't have the same thought processes as others). The media helped with this one.
What about these talk show shrinks, I want to reach out and choke the ***** out of them at times.

One of my Mom's resident's died. He had medicaid for insurance, he had a shunt in his head, it was bent, when they removed it, they found he had green.....Anyway, the put a new tube in put him on an IV for a day sent him home. They didn't catch the problem in time, his insurance only covered so much, when you're already in an adult foster care. I guess they kept pumping him with morphine, what they could give him, the poor kid (60 but in my mind, a kid, anyone that has ever worked with.) couldn't get comfortable he was in so much pain, breaks my heart. I've seen this first hand, usually your given so much meds you're still in pain, but you don't care cause you're in lala land. I hate it, hard to think about.

I would like to become much more vocal about our health insurance problems. When those promising a Universal plan, we need to stipulate a good plan.

Hello , everyone im fresh meat on here but i have a felling that i will fit in just fine.
I kinda dont know where to start i guess I have finally chosen to be honest aganist my fake ego and admit i am probley a nutty so this is just the genisis of my healing process.
As it seems i am the darkness in the light literally the guy who has the opposite effect of ..I dont know who would u consider a fairly luckstruck person K-Fed or maybe even a flavor flav in a matter of 2 weeks i loose my job, get food posining, total my car and damn near get liquor posining even though that much is due to the former problems.
Not withstanding at lease its spring time again which can do a lot for a persons sunny desposition considering I live in chicago a city that has winters that bring to mind the movie 30 days of night . Seeing how i am without vechicle i figured i would take advantage of the first really warm day of the year a have a walk to my favorite eurb spot but much to my surgrin (cant spell for ***** not gonna stop me from using cool words) everybody and they 3rd cousin was outside basking in the sunlight the giggling little kids the fuzzy lovestuck douchbags the hoods and hoochie mammas the god awful law enforcement all crowding the city sidewalks my anxiety must have just poped out my ***** and formed a forcefeild around me as i pass all the pretty people i couldnt cop and go quick enuff damn i think im wishing for winter back you see just like christmas and valentines day the warm months remind me of what a misreble and loney bum i am and that makes me sad .I guess you guys are my new confidaunts but it seems as if only two people post here its all good i am thankfull for that hope yall can help me in my time of need and i will do the same well i guess now that i am finally coming to tearms with my mental demons i might as well start fishing for meds ....goodtimes

Yeah, it's been a while... again. Partially just because I haven't really had anything to write or even felt like writing.

In my never ending struggle with depression (which seems to far outweigh my struggle with anxiety... for the most part...), I've 'fallen' more than a few times in the past few weeks. I'll be okay for a few weeks and then, the bottom falls out and I'm avoiding everyone, even my cherished best friend.

This past week was pretty bad. The g/f that wants to take over my house (now that I'm not living there anymore...) called me at Joe's house Sunday. First off, I hate phones and she knows this. I know I've been hard to reach and there's a reason for that... I don't want to talk to anyone unless I have to.

Second, I was horrified that she found their home phone number. I know that I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I feel fairly exposed now and I don't like that feeling at all. I know that she was just calling to see if I was okay and I can appreciate that but at the same time, I almost feel like, if I hang onto her and Ron, that I'll be hanging onto my past. Part of me just wants to be shed of both of them.

Well, on top of that, she told me that since the idiot and I aren't formally divorced yet that the house is still community property and in order for them to take it over for taxes, he has to sign the paper. I told her 'good luck with that' as I don't feel that he'll sign it.

All this just dredged up way too many memories for me to handle and that plunged me into depression.

But, on the up side, I managed to pull myself out of it (depression) sooner than I thought I would. In fact, I've been doing fairly well the last few days. Joe's Mom hasn't been feeling good so I sort of volunteered Joe and I to make dinner last night (and tonight and probably tomorrow night too....). It was just hamburgers and french fries. But, after dinner, Joe's Dad came over to me and thanked me for making dinner and called me 'daughter' O_o That was a huge ego boost for me. Joe's parents have been incredibly accepting of me and treat me like a member of the family anyway so this just made me feel all the better about my decision to stay here.

I know life stories are boring...Currently I am waiting to be enrolled in summer school and I only need 2 more credits to graduate. I have already tried to be independent but my roommates let me down. I've been an "at home person" for about five months. I live off of social security at the moment because I have a really low white blood cell count. Most all my friend drink and smoke weed, I on the other hand can't really tolerate these things because I get bad reactions, If I drink I get a cold, and when I smoke I feel as if my anxiety will utterly land me in a heart attack and my ears ring. I don't know what to do, I feel like the worlds biggest square, I like to be around people but I have trouble socializing, what do I talk about? why does my body tense up and my speech become lazy? Basically I just play video games all day and draw. I have no life and hardly any direction. Over all I feel as if I've yet to find myself because I hardly am good at anything to the point that it defines me and I feel I'm lacking purpose. Religion is not for me, and neither is killing braincells just to kick it. How do I get rid of the awkwardness amongst my friends and begin to find myself?, if you actually read this your awesome and thanks for your time and any advice, Omar

I wrote in my last blog about dissatisfaction with my relationship. That’s not really true. While there are times when I wish things were different, most of the time I’m satisfied.

Dissatisfaction causes suffering. We often suffer because we don’t accept things the way they are, whether it’s the weather, something about ourselves, or our relationships. During the winter when out walking the dog, I found that if I simply observed the cold air and wind on my skin, instead of suffering from the cold, I could simply be mindful of the sensations and not suffer at all. Psychologists sometimes tell people suffering from chronic pain to be mindful of the pain and in many cases, that technique is more effective for relieving the patients suffering than drugs.

My wife worked late last night and I was already in bed on the verge of falling asleep when I heard her come home. I could hear her playing with Molly (our dog). One thing we have in common is our love for animals. I listened for a minute or so and then fell asleep.

We do have some good times together and while things could be better, things could also be a lot worse. It’s a comfortable relationship and most of the time I'm satisfied.

The Buddha taught that all conditioned mental and physical phenomena are impermanent, but there is something that doesn't seem to change -- the dissatisfaction I have with my relationship with my wife.

The other day, my wife and I took our dog Molly out for a walk. We don't even seem to be able to do something as simple as going for a walk without getting on each other's nerves. I'm to the point where I'd rather not do anything with her except watch movies. We're great at watching movies together, since we don't have to interact. Once in a while we'll have a good conversation, but that seems to be rare, and I get lonely for someone to talk to.

Our dog can sense when something is wrong with me. It's not the tone of my voice or anything physical. After our walk the other day, I went into my meditation room to meditate for a while. On the other side of the door, I could hear Molly sniffing and scratching, and being generally upset. I didn't have much success meditating. Mara was a constant bother and I couldn't overcome my hindrances.

After the meditation gong sounded to indicate the end of the 20 minutes, I opened the door and Molly immediately moved towards me and sat on my foot, leaning against my leg. I gave her a pet and went into the bedroom to read in bed. Molly followed me and jumped up on the bed. She lay there looking at me concerned. She'd look at me, then look away, look at me for a few moments, then look away. I was pretending to read but I was watching her watch me.

Finally she sat up and stared at me with a big smile on her face. I couldn't help but smile back. We both sat there for about five minutes smiling at each other. It was very strange, but in a good way.

Molly seems to be one of those dogs who can sense problems. I had an irritation inside my nose a few months ago and every time she had the opportunity, she'd lick my nose. My eyes were bothering me the other day and she could tell. She'd lick them when I'd get on the floor to play with her.

With the physical problems, she probably smells something that indicates to her that something is wrong. But what about when I was feeling kind of bad emotionally and she was on the other side of the door? Do we emit some kind of smell? Could be. It's been said that animals can sense fear. Perhaps they can sense other emotions as well.

I don't know, but I think Molly deserves a walk. :)

I’ve been extremely melancholy. Some old music triggered memories. I’ve been thinking of my Dad, yes I have one, on rare occasion when I mention him people are surprised, just like if I mention I have a brother “I didn’t know that, you never talk about him, I knew you had a sister.” Well, we all have our reasons.

My dad had a persona, he was much like Johny Cash, not in looks but in attitude, right is right, wrong was wrong, black and white, this is the way it is, don’t like it, too bad.
I’m often told I have something “About me” oh, not my dad’s persona that’s for sure. He was a large man, very tall, dark. I see his facial expression on my face sometimes, he’s the one that taught me to stand up for what I thought was right, no matter what “If you believe you’re right don’t back down.” Over the years that has caused me problems;-)

I won’t say if he’s alive or if he’s dead, when I sat down and thought about it, his actual age surprised me. His wife would be 78.

It wasn’t until I was much older that I knew men could actually love their kids, I actually thought that most men saw their children as a problem, now that I have a daughter, I don’t understand. He didn’t leave because it was best for his children, he left because it was best for him, and money.

I was talking to my therapist “Your father abandoned you” excuse me, I went on to please his case “Yes, he abandoned you” it was the first time I ever saw it this way (I learned this a while ago)

My brother, he can justify anything and everything, but they’re both the same when it comes to doing what they want, screw who it hurts in the interim. My brother forgives him, not matter what. Good memory, we (bro and me) sang “Time Marches on” I have to insert we were drunk, I mean, drunk.

I always say, I don’t care, most of the time I don’t, yet this is really bothering me for some reason, when I get news that he’s dead, I don’t think I’ll have much of a reaction. If the truth be known, when I think back of him, I don’t like the person he was.

A few years ago, Mom and I were talking about him “Oh, I’ll always love your dad” she was in the bathroom getting dressed for work, I got up out of bed (she worked nights) at this late stage in life she was still protecting me, literally……I know she does care about my dad, but, most of it’s a cover for her grown children’s sake.

And, that’s all, I don’t want to be bothered right now, it gives him more meaning than he’s worth, it makes him a person.

Each year, each year, I start going through this, the exact time of year, I always blame it on winter depression. Little things will trigger me. Then, each year, I blog about it.......

It's now March, each Feb I start going down hill for a few, it's the month we found out Joe wasn't going to make it. I have so many mixed feelings, so many.

So, this too shall pass, I just have to remember. When you push feelings down, they'll just up and bite you. I think it's called Denial

Nowadays, whenever I try writing in some kind of blog or journal . . . it's utter failure. In most cases I hate what I wrote and throw it away or in a blogs case: delete it. I know it has a lot to do with my denial about the ugly person that depression has created. It really doesn't help that my anxiety fuels it.

All I've wanted is to be content; to live freely without a care. I've always felt this void in my chest and heart, like something is missing, but I can't figure out what.

This is how I feel everyday of my life, especially now. I've even made extremely reckless decisions because of my anxiety thinking if I do this or that that it will improve my state of mind.

Starting another one of these just scares me. My head hurts just thinking about it.

The emotional roller coaster is leveling off. The last few days I've been eating clean (er) not as much junk food. I've been putting real food in my body, such as a hamburger (homemade) veggies (I did not go into cardiac arrest). It DOES make a major difference for me.

Why is it, when we get down, depressed, some of us head right for the junk, I mean a b-line, even when we're stuffing our faces, we know we would be better off if we were eating healthy, yet........

I've isolated myself so much.

I came out of my shell some what on Saturday, my daughters teacher had made an effort at friendship a while ago, I spurned it, not out of spite, more fear, I learned something about her, so i sent her an email, it was the beginning of a bond. The same time, it helps me to have human contact, even when I'm out, I still don't want to incorporate anyone in my life.

I placed a personal ad, I've had many responses, I start to answer, then it's like, blah.....No......I don't want to do the personal ad, I think that's what it is, been there, done that, puked;-) Thats JUST me.

A young man I used to work with, that left for Florida with this girl, is back, and now working with my Mom. I can't wait to talk too him, I Had no idea he was back, I mean, he just took off, didn't contact anyone. He was extremely dependable, very considerate, he wanted me to have Hannah on his BD, sorry, couldn't wait;-) close;-) the team that I worked with then was fantastic, the pay so sucked, but if I could do it again, with the same people (not being pregnant, too hard) I would. It just worked. I'm so anxious to see C, yet, he doesn't know about this weight gain, well, I could say i was still pregnant, but chances are, he wouldn't believe me;-) it's just embarrassing;-)
I remember C, Angie, Ken, G (she was a nut, OK, everyone but her, she used to follow people around.....) A couple others but they were part timers, so they're not really in my mind. "It was the best of times it was the worst of times" scenario;-)
In fact, with this job, it's where I learned the value of women and friendship!

My sister is with my Mom, I've had the morning to myself, I must say, It's been nice;-) didn't get anything done, but it's been nice;-)

I know it's been a while since I wrote anything.... blog entry, PM, anything. I've more or less been hiding in my shell the last few weeks, riding the emotional roller coaster. Gotta love it... O_o

Life here in KY hasn't been terrible at all. Joe's family are total gems in every sense. His Mom is so much like my Mom in so many ways, it's scary. It's like she's my Mom with a Kentucky accent :b

The last few days have been rough, as pre/post period days usually are. I did better this time around, fighting the urge to hide in my room and sleep for a couple of days (more or less...). The times that I was in my room, I made myself keep the door open so that I wouldn't give the impression that I was shutting anyone out. The only times that I went down there was when I was deeply depressed and crying nonstop. I've made it a strong point not to be around anyone when I was feeling that strongly emotional, simply to spare them the pain of seeing me cry so pitifully.

As usual, Joe gave me as much space as I needed and once I was feeling more like myself, he was there for me, happy to spend time with me and do things with me. Yesterday, we went to Walmart together (first time I'd been out of the house in close to 2 weeks). Today, we took a walk down the rail road tracks to go down by the river. Since we had had heavy rain and snow that's more or less melted off now, the river was kind of high. That was kind of kewl to see (yeah, it doesn't take much to impress me...).

He seemed pleased that I actually wanted to get out of the house and do something. I'm planning on taking a walk every day that it's decent weather. Ideally, I'd like to do it every day but the weather isn't always that great. It's been raining a lot lately.

I actually feel better for getting out and moving my body. Maybe this is a trend....

Craft-wise, I've been all over the place. I finished a sock (yeah, finally). I started it's mate (yeah, again, finally). I'm not happy that the color pattern doesn't match it's mate though. the first one had nice stripe-type stuff going on... this one has blotches of color here and there, along with some stripe-type stuff going on. Not happy about that at all.

Since it's getting warmer out, I decided to drag out my precious 5 skeins of Cotton Ease and start a short sleeve sweater for summer wearing. I hope I have enough. Until I get a job, I'm doing some major stash busting. I'm fairly proud of myself that I haven't bought ***any*** yarn since I've been here. And I mean ***any***. I'm basing my sweater on a pattern from Knitty called Mesilla. It's a short sleeved, sort of scoop necked sweater, very basic. There's a lot of added stuff around the neckline that I don't like in the original pattern that I'm probably going to avoid. I'll probably just crochet around the neckline instead of adding all that.

Also, I started an afghan (knitted). But, in the course of making it, I changed my mind on how i want to do it so I'm going to rip it back and redo it. I was going to make it all in one piece but I realized how heavy it's going to be when it gets to be about halfway done so..... I'm either going to do squares (I already have one in squares started... I just have to find it O_o) or make panels. I like squares because they're portable, easy to do and it doesn't break my heart to put them all together.